Move along…nothing to see here

Hello and thank you for all your comments and lovely support.  Thank you to all the new followers too – I’m sorry I haven’t had a chance to reply to you or thank you individually.  I still don’t have internet access at home yet and so I am having to sneak in blogging moments at work in lunch breaks and quiet moments.

I am doing ok.  I have picked myself up and have stopped being quite so pathetic.  I use that word a lot.  Pathetic.  I wouldn’t call someone else suffering from marriage breakup blues pathetic but I am hardest of all on myself and am a bit ashamed that I have been such a baby about the whole thing.  It was, after all, not a shock and not something that caught me by surprise.  I was building myself up for nearly two years, knowing it would happen so, really, I have no reason to be quite so dramatic.  Other people have it much worse.  Other people are in abusive relationships that leaves them not only emotionally scarred but physically and mentally.  I didn’t have that.  Yes, my husband became less caring and, some days, downright horrible to live with, but he wasn’t abusive.  The only thing he denied me was his heart and attention.  And while some may say he treated me badly and that is a kind of abuse, I can see that I am very lucky in many ways.  I’m not making excuses for him. But I’m not dwelling on the way things were.  I can only focus on how they are NOW.  We are talking – we never argued anyway – and he still cares enough to help me out with some things (he bought me a fridge and washing machine last week) and he’s doing the best he can.  I think.  I am trying to be the bigger person here.  I am hurt and broken hearted, yes, but I am not broken.  I’m still here and I’m still going to work and getting up every day and taking reasonable care of myself.  I am seeing friends and doing my own thing. 

I feel almost guilty that I don’t feel worse.  I was so upset to begin with.  I cried and cried and every day seemed harder than the day before.  I was lost and frightened and so sad.  But I’m not like that all the time now.  Instead of feeling like that every day, I feel like that every now and then.  Í miss him and miss the good times and having someone to share things with but I also like having my freedom and my own stuff and my own choices and decisions.  He never stopped me from having those things – I put restrictions on myself, trying to be the perfect wife.  Maybe he contributed to my insecurities, but he is not responsible for me feeling worthless.  I allowed myself to think that.  I allowed myself to put his needs above mine every time.  I tried to do what I thought would make him happy instead of doing what would allow us both to be content.  So now I have no one to make me feel bad about how I keep house or what we’re having for dinner.  I just wish I had realised sooner that I didn’t have to be so accommodating and passive.  It’s not what he wanted and in the end it was something he couldn’t stand. I’m not defending him (well, maybe a little.  I still love him after all) but I am taking part responsibility for the breakdown in our relationship.

So, lesson learnt : Be yourself and stand up for yourself.  Make your needs as much a priority as your partner’s. Care for your partner but don’t stop caring for yourself.  Be you.  I forgot to do that.

So, anyway, I thank you all for your support and I am sorry for all the whining.  I can’t promise there won’t be any more…it’s quite likely I will have a down day again, probably sooner rather than later, but I am trying to be positive.  That is hard for me because I am not a naturally positive person.  I always think the worst and catastrophise (is that a word? spell check doesn’t seem to think so) and make myself panic.  I am trying to be grateful for everything I have, everything I have lost and everything that will follow.  Who knows what’s around the corner? 

All I know is that today, right now, I am ok.  And I hope you are too.

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