The End and a Beginning

Well, the inevitable has happened.  My husband and I are separating.  I am distraught and numb and so very sad.  I knew it was coming but held on to that little spark of hope that I guess we all cling to in times of desperation.  I kept trying to fix things and to be what he wanted me to be but in the end it didn’t matter what I did.  I wasn’t what he wanted any more.  

I am now spending all my time looking for a place to live which is sad and horrible and scary on my own.  I can’t make decisions and I don’t trust myself to make accurate judgements and I have a million thoughts running through my head.  But I have to move out (he is staying put) and I have to do it soon because I can’t stay here under the circumstances I now find myself in.  If you love someone and they don’t love you back it is worse than anything in the world.  And the whole “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all..” idea is crap.

In the end it was me who stood up and forced the issue and asked the scary question that I didn’t want to ask, knowing that the answer would break my heart.  But my heart is already broken and shattered into tiny, sharp pieces and I don’t know if they’ll ever come back together again.

I can’t be this unhappy forever and as much as I am hurting right now, I couldn’t bear to see him so miserable either.  He has changed and I don’t fit in to his plans and his world any more but I am trying to keep myself together and not fall apart just when I need to be strong and resilient and focused. I still love him but I have to accept it is over and that he wants to move on, without me.

So I hope you will forgive my absence from blogging.  I haven’t had the heart or the inspiration to write anything other than “Why?” over and over again.  I am not the only woman in the world who has ever been in this situation, I know this.  But it feels as though I am the only one.  

I am going to get myself together, find myself somewhere to live, make a home for myself and do things for myself to get me through.  I am scared to live alone and don’t even want to think about the future.  But the future always comes in the end and you can’t stop it, no matter how hard you try.

I thought in changing myself to fit him, I would keep him.  But in the end I lost him and, more importantly, lost myself.  I need to find me again, whoever I am.  

So please forgive me – I will be back, sooner rather than later, I hope.  

Be happy, hold on to love and be who you are.